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How about those video games am I rite

Borderlands 3 Typhon Logs

Last Updated: 29 September 2019

All quotes are said by Typhon DeLeon unless otherwise specified.

Siren Queen

“First time I saw a Siren was my trip to Athenas. And she was the Queen! See, after I found the Vault, Atlas paid me a buttload to lead a peace envoy. Later, I found out those bastards had slipped some spies into the envoy to steal Eridian artifacts. Now, I ain’t no monk, but for the record, I didn’t steal nothin’ from Athenas. Typhon’s honor!”

Handful of Tuchus

“The graveyard! That’s where it went down. See, I was admiring the tombs when Siren Queen Dido catches me. “You must die, trespasser,” she says. “Any final requests?” So I say, “How about one last dance?” She narrows her eyes, then nods and takes my hand. I remember her gray hair caught by the moonlight, and how her bony fingers grabbed my tuchus and wouldn’t let go. Next thing I knew, she smooches me right on the tomb. Boom, Siren girlfriend!”

Skeezy Monks

“There’s no place in the galaxy with more Sirens than Athenas. Must be somethin’ in their water! Or Sirens were drawn to the place by some sort of… I dunno, call? I stayed for a few years, until Queen Dido passed away. Then some monks in the Order of the Impending Storm took over the joint. One day, some skeezy monk, he pulls me aside and says he’ll pay plenty if I bring him another Siren. I slap him in the face with my Vercuvian back ham and hopped in my ship! Never came back. The moral of THIS story is that monks suck!”

The Big City

“I thought a city like Promethea would be crammed full of opportunity, but actually it was a tinderbox of violence and greed. Corporations were pulling out, calling the joint a dead-end. People were starving, eating stone soup and boiled ratch to get by. But somehow, I survived. It was a real “wrong place at the right time” type of situation. You know, sometimes the trick to being successful is just staying in the game longer than the other guy.”

Artifact Hunters

“There’d been rumors about the Eridians since the expansion days, but no one had found bupkis. Those days, Atlas was paying top dollar for artifacts. Well, it wasn’t like I could farm turds for a living, so I took up adventuring. Thing is, the gangs were shaking down freelancers, but I said to myself, “Typhon, if you don’t want to end up back on Pandora, you’d better put your keister on the line!””

Good for Something

“Before I found that Vault, Atlas was laggin’ behind the other guys. They’d almost got wiped out during the Corporate Wars and were looking to rise from the ashes like the—what’s it called? That fire bird. Anyway, Atlas was just throwin’ explorers at every dig site they could find. Now, I never thought growing up on Pandora would do me a lick of good, but I spent my childhood hunting Eridian ruins and that gave me the edge! How about that? Pandora’s good for somethin’!”

Fall to Grace

“Azlan DeVega, my partner/nemesis. He talked a big game, but there was a reason why he was down on his luck! He was lazy! But I was hungry to prove myself. Then one time, we were wandering through the Kasmarian Quarry and I fell through some brittlerock. Azlan calls down “Nice knowin’ ya, DeLeon,” grabs my stuff, and splits. Well, I had to find another way up, and bam—that’s when I found the Vault! I guess the moral is, sometimes you gotta fall before you make it big!”

Beating the Monster (Part 2)

“After we beat that monster, we “beat the monster”, if ya know what I’m sayin’. Then we laid on our backs looking up at all them pretty lights, and Leda says, “We have to stay here, Typhon. We can’t go back.” She said if the corporations found this place, the universe would be kaput. So I says to her, “Baby, as long as I got you, I got the whole universe.”

And then we “beat the monster” again, right in the Vault!”

Good Times

“Leda, she was so happy bein’ here. She just kept runnin’ around, reading ruins and slappin’ my ass—true story! Then we see the Vault in the distance.”

Beating the Monster (Part 1)

“Well, we licked that Vault monster real good—and it was a tough one! Seven heads, what’ll they think of next? And then we go into the Vault, and Leda says, “Typhon, come here, baby.” And I do. And I ain’t gonna record what happened next…

She shtuped me!”

The Naked Truth

“Lotta funny stuff on this planet. Get that same feeling I got when I was on Pandora, Promethea, and Eden-6. Leda says the Vault planets are all linked somehow! Anywho, doesn’t seem to be any other humans on this planet, so I’m… gonna go explore naked! I’m free-hammin’ it!”

Ship, Wrecked!

“Well, we crashed! Ship went blammo. We got guns and gear and back hams to last us a few months, so we should be all right. Stored a few of these historical markers on the ship, and that’s a good thing, too! It’s easy to get lost on this planet! Nekrotafeyo. That name, it don’t make no sense! I mean, what the hell is a “feyo”?”

The Machine

“Leda says this door leads to the machine, whatever that is—oh right, she told me. She thinks this machine is the one that closed the Great Vault. So I says, “What’s the Great Vault?” And she looks at me for a long time. “The Great Vault,” she says. “That’s why the Eridians aren’t around anymore.””

Sayonara, Pandora

“Got the history dweebs’ moolah, bought a new ship, and we’re all packed! So that’s it, folks. Me and Leda are gonna search for the planet Nekrotafeyo, homeworld of the Eridians. You can try to find me if you like, but be careful—if you follow in the footsteps of giants, sometimes you’re gonna step in giant-sized crap! This is Typhon DeLeon, signin’ off!
Hey Leda, have you seen my back ham?”

Words of Wisdom

“History dweebs asked me to leave some words of wisdom before me and Leda head off to look for Nekrotafeyo—ya know, just in case we don’t come back. Anywho, here goes. Be nice to people. And never, EVER forget your back ham!”

Preparations

“More and more Atlas soldiers kept arriving on Pandora, so I figured it was time to split. Well, me and Leda started makin’ preparations to go to Nekrotafeyo. Supplies, astrolabes. Picked up a few bots in the desert from some traders. Said our goodbyes. I went to old Azlan’s grave and took a big ol’ dump on it, the putz. Now, I’m just waiting for those history dweebs to send me the moolah for this ECHO series, and then we’re outta here!”

Nekrotafeyo

“Nekrotafeyo. The first time I ever heard the name of the Eridian homeworld was from Leda’s own lips. We were drivin’ across the desert in my turd buggy when we came across some ruins. The bots scattered out, chirping and beeping. I keep an eye out for the rakks while Leda starts digging in the sand. Then she looks up at the moon and says, “Nekrotafeyo”, as if she could already see it. Nekrotafeyo. Ha! That’s a funny name.”

A Dream Shared

“I was sweet on Leda, and she knew it. Together, we started lookin’ for clues to the long-lost Eridian homeworld, Nekrotafeyo. It was her dream to find it, and pretty soon, it became my dream too.”

The Rarest Loot

“Leda was an Atlas researcher whose team had been slaughtered, but that didn’t stop her! She needed a local to show her around all the Eridian spots, and I was more than happy to. Leda was way better than Azlan DeVega. For one thing, she didn’t sweat so much. Plus, she could read some Eridian! Not much, but enough. There’s a lot of treasure in the galaxy, but the rarest loot of all is love.”

Remains

“This was the place where I made my stand. I remember the wind in my hair and blood on my hands. I started making rakk calls to lure Azlan DeVega’s cronies out one-by-one, and smashed ‘em with a big ol’ rock. After a while, it was just me and Azlan. “I know you’re here, DeLeon! End of the line!” he says. So I yell at him, “You know what your problem is, Azlan? You ain’t got no friends!” And right as he points his gun at me, BOOM! Those skags I threw the Vercuvian ham at jumped him! After the skags were done chowin’ down, I went by to pay my respects. But only the ham remained.”

An Unexpected Guest

“I found Azlan’s ship and flew it back to my parent’s turd farm. A fresh start! I had to make an honest living. They’d taught me how to farm turds, so that’s what I did. One day, I look up from a big ol’ juicy turd to see this lady staring at me. Boy, she was a looker! “Excuse me,” she says. “I’m lookin’ for Typhon DeLeon.” Well, I jump straight outta that turd hole and say, “Baby, you’re lookin’ at him. Say, what’s your name?” “Leda,” she says. “I’m lookin’ for a guide.” And I says, “All right! Lemme just throw this turd in the silo and we’ll go!””

On the Run

“Azlan DeVega and his cronies chased me all over Pandora. Why, I hid in every turd-pile I could find—but eventually, I realized I couldn’t keep runnin’. So I picked a defensible valley, juicy with turds, and decided to make my stand!”

Azlan’s Revenge

“The ship was kaput. I think to myself, “If I’m gonna die in this desert, then I might as well pour some spaceship fuel on the wound and see what happens!” Well, I start screamin’! Pretty soon another ship lands—an Atlas ship—and for a second, I was dumb enough to think I’d been saved. Then I see this grinning asshole coming over the dune. And on my turd farmer parents’ grave, it was Azlan DeVega, coming to finish me off.”

A Stinking Epiphany

“Azlan DeVega shot my ship down. Well, I went and hid in a big ol’ pile of turds. That night, I remember looking up at the stars and wondering, “Why would the Eridians come to Pandora, anyway? They’re supposed to be the smartest in the universe! They built the Vaults! It don’t make no sense! If I make it outta this turd-pile alive,” I tell myself, “I’m gonna find those Eridians, and I’m gonna get some answers!””

Shot Down

“One day, I come across a big mutha of a ship. Well, I took it for a joyride around Elpis and went on a low-grav bender! Eventually, I sober up and head back. Just as I enter orbit, some asshole shoots out my engine and I crash-land. I don’t know how long I was out, but when I came to, I saw my leg was busted up real good. I remember thinkin’, “It’s infected. Stinks, too! Sorta fun to poke, though. Pokey, pokey, pokey. At least I’ve got company, eh, Stink Leg?” Then I says to myself, “Talkin’ to a leg. I’m losin’ my freakin’ mind! Say, Stink Leg, you think I’m losin’ my mind or what? I’m gonna die!”

Letting Loose

“Ah! This spot, this spot right here—this is where I started my mid-life crisis! I fought skag packs and played chess with the spiderant queen. I chased the Bumble Chump. I sang to the varkids, and danced with the bullymong on the vasts. And let me tell you, those ‘mong have got moves!”

The Freaking Point

“One night during my mid-life crisis, with the light of Elpis shining down on me, I thought of Queen Dido, and I said to myself, “What the hell is the point of life, anyway? Who cares about the Vaults?” Then I heard some growling skags—so I threw my back ham at them and started yellin’! Vaults. Pandora. Loot. Adventure. What was the freakin’ point if I had no one to share it with?”

Atlas on Pandora

“Well, after I couldn’t find that Vault on Eden-6, I figured I’d come back to Pandora and see what had changed over the years. Turns out, it was Atlas, lookin’ for the Vaults. I guess old Montgomery Jakobs was right after all.”

An Understanding

“Old Montgomery Jakobs, he catches up to me and demands to know where I was going. So I say, “You know where I’m goin’, Monty.” Then I hear the click of a pistol chamber, and he says, “Jakobs might’ve escaped the big war, but the next one is coming. The War of the Vaults. Good thing there’s no Vault here, huh, DeLeon?” I nod slowly. “And if the great Typhon DeLeon couldn’t find that Vault, no point in anyone else lookin’.” He smiles and hands me a solid gold revolver. “Pleasure doin’ business with ya, DeLeon.””

Pot Thoughts

“Biggest. Dump. Ever! Right there. Thing is, I spent a long time on that pot, thinkin’ ‘bout how I couldn’t find the Vault. It was a real worry-turd situation. Was I losing my touch? Past my prime? And then, I reached for the toilet paper, but it wasn’t on either side of the pot. And then I realized there’s one place I hadn’t looked. Well, I squeezed out my brown muse and went to confront old Monty.”

Funny Feeling

“I’d spent a long time searchin’ for that Vault and turned up nothing. To be honest, I started to think I’d lost my spark. Then, the day I was set to leave, Monty calls me into his study. “Don’t feel bad, DeLeon,” he says. “If there ain’t no Vault, there ain’t no Vault.” Well, I got that funny feeling, and before I knew it my legs were taking me outta the room, with Monty Jakobs screaming at me to come back.”

It’s All Teeth

“Sometimes, when Monty was busy with Jakobs business, his son Wainwright would show me around the planet. That kid, he sure didn’t seem like he wanted to be the next CEO. I’ve met the CEOs of every corporation, and let me tell ya, being a CEO is like being in the middle of a saurian orgy—it’s all teeth!”

Smart, That Jakobs

“Eden-6 wasn’t just wood rich. They had all sorts of minerals and gases bubbling beneath the surface of those swamps. When I asked Monty Jakobs why they’d never been invaded, he said “The way I figure it, a thief won’t steal a hunk of gold if there’s a turd around it.” Smart, that Jakobs! Unless you’re a turd thief.”

On the Line

“There’s somethin’ funny about Eden-6. Whole lot of crashed ships, like they were being pulled to the planet. There were Eridian ruins, sure, but most of the artifacts had been picked clean by jabbers or washed away with the rains. After awhile, I came to a realization—“Typhon, if you don’t find the Vault soon, your reputation is kaput!””

RIP Sandwich

“Ha! I landed my ship pretty close to this spot for a picnic. Then this saurian broodmother came outta nowhere when I was eating a Vercuvian ham sandwich. Well, I dropped the sandwich and ran away! When I came back, my ship was gone. Could’ve been Azlan. Maybe the ship just sunk into the mud. But I’d like to think that there’s a saurian broodmother somewhere, in my ship, flyin’ around and chowin’ down on that sandwich! Of course, it’s been a decade, so it’s probably dead. RIP, sandwich. You will be missed.”

The Family’s Jewel

“Me and Monty trekked through every swamp and forest on Eden-6 looking for that Vault. Sometimes we took his ship, the Family Jewel. That ship had been in the Jakobs family for generations. And they just kept replacing old parts with new ones. Well one day, I asked him why they kept calling it the Family Jewel, and he says, “Typhon, it ain’t the parts that make the ship. It’s the name.””

Love

“Once, I saw a saurian try to mate with a jabber. It started out real sweet, then it ended in a total bloodbath. If that ain’t love, I don’t know what is!”

The Tiger’s Smile

“My first night there, Monty and his wife invite me to a show at their house called “Fool’s Gold”. It’s about a king who finds an ancient artifact of power and tries to take over the world. In the end, the kingdom ends up in flames and the king loses his head. Well, I got the impression that it weren’t no coincidence Monty wanted me to see that play, and I thought to myself. “You’d better be careful, Typhon. Monty’s all right. But a tiger with a smile’s still a tiger.””

Humble Origins

“Hey, fellow adventurers! This is Typhon DeLeon! Some history dweebs paid me a buttload to record an ECHO series about my adventures, and Typhon needs a new ship! Crashed the old one—angry saurian broodmother, runaway sandwich, long story. Anywho, I was born to a family of turd farmers. Lotta money in turds those days. Good, dependable fuel, turds! That’s why I always say, “if you step in crap, consider the upside!””

Monster Ass

“Ah, my old stompin’ grounds! See that big-ass monster skeleton? I was so busy hunting Eridian crap one day that he almost stomped me into a Pandora pancake! But I dove at the last second, and then I did a triple back-flip straight into his mouth, right past the teeth, and shot my way out his sphincter! I smelled like monster ass for weeks! But I’d do it again. And I did!”

Can’t Shake It

“Pandora’s a strange and harsh place. Sometimes, I get the feeling the whole planet is tryin’ to shake us off like a tick-infested skag. But I’ll tell ya one thing: if I do find the Eridian homeworld someday, I’m gonna finally get some answers! “Hey, aliens,” I’ll say. “What’s so freakin’ special about Pandora?””

Licking Skags

“My parent’s turd farm wasn’t far from here. One time skags ate some of our tools, but I hunted those bastards down and licked them good!
And only now it occurs to me that that expression might not sound so great. Ah, who cares! I am who I am! And I’m telling ya, I licked those skags real good!”

The Pandoran Handshake

“By now, you’ve probably noticed that Pandora isn’t the friendliest of planets. I’m guessing it’s not any safer in your day than it was in mine, so if you see somethin’ comin’, shoot first! We just call that a Pandoran handshake!
—Hey, who the hell are you?
I’m Typhon DeLeon. Nice to meet ya! Here’s a med pack. Yeah, I’m doin’ an ECHO series! Sure, I’ll sign an autograph!”

Sky-Gazing

“I remember the day I arrived on Promethea. Those buildings looked so tall and majestic! I was so busy sky-gazing that a thief stole the pants right off my keister! Promethea’s no Pandora, but a city is still plenty dangerous. I knew this was the sort of place I would either find my destiny or die in a gutter! And thanks to my partner/nemesis, Azlan DeVega, Promethea was almost both.”

Promethea-Bound

“When I was sixteen, my parents died, and I buried them at their turd farm. Afterwards, I started thinking. “What am I still doing on Pandora? I gotta get off this ass crack!” So I snuck onto a merchant ship bound for Promethea. Good thing I was smaller back then—better for sneaking! At the time, no one on Pandora ever thought I’d amount to anything, let alone become a legendary explorer—but, like I always say, “heroes come in all shapes and sizes!””

The Rest is History

“I found the Key just sitting there in front of the Vault. Good thing I didn’t open it myself! I gave the Vault Key to Atlas, got a buttload of cash, and the rest is history. Anyway, as soon as I made my money, who shows up at my door but Azlan DeVega, saying I owe him half of the cut! Baloney! I was on my own, and after that, whenever somebody wanted to find Eridian ruins, they called me, Typhon DeLeon: The First Vault Hunter!”

Paying the Ratch Bills

“During my Dockside days, I was always starvin’! I begged, borrowed, and stole for a bite to eat. Some nights, I was so hungry I woke up and I was eating my ratch-pillow! Anyway, once, I saw some grubby kids fighting over a pickle. I told ‘em a story, and they gave me a bite. And until I found the Vault, that was how I put ratch on the table. Telling stories of my adventures on Pandora! How ‘bout that?”

Legendary Ham

“Hunting for Eridian crap was dangerous work, so me and Azlan DeVega joined up and agreed to split the loot 50/50. I had a nose for findin’ alien crap, and Azlan, he could talk his way into all sorts of free equipment. Or he stole it! In the end, Azlan taught me a valuable lesson. The same person watchin’ your back is usually the first person to stab it! That’s why I always strap a Vercuvian ham on my back. Hard as a rock. That back ham saved my keister plenty of times! In ham I trust!”

Dockside Bludes

“Old Dockside! My kinda neighborhood! What a dump! Ratch for pillows. Ratch for dinner! There was a saying: “Once you go ratch, you go straight to the hospital! Or to sleep!” But Dockside was where I met Azlan DeVega. That bastard tried to kill me plenty of times, but here’s the thing. If I hadn’t met Azlan, I never would’ve never joined up with Atlas. And if I hadn’t joined up with Atlas, I probably would’ve just ended up back on Pandora, farming turds.”

Brake

“After I found the Vault, all that fame went to my head. At first I was handing out free pickles to orphans left and right. But soon, I was building myself houses and yachts out of Vercuvian ham! Also, I lost a buttload of cash betting at the ratch track. Pretty soon I was broke! They repossessed my ham-yacht! Meanwhile, Atlas was exploring the neighboring asteroids, hoping to strike it rich. That’s why I took the Skywell gig. Boy, was that a mistake!”

Skag CEO

“Ah, the Skywell gig. Skywell-27 was one of the mining sites orbiting Promethea. But word was, some poor schlub had gotten trapped, and he was radioing that there was tons of Eridian ruins all around him. I figured he was lyin’, so the corporations would actually send a rescue crew instead of just pavin’ over the poor bastard. I’d trust a rabid skag before I trusted a corporation. Unless that skag was, heh, runnin’ a corporation! Gahahahaha! Skag CEO! Dunno, makes me laugh!”

Ambush on Skywell-27

“The whole “trapped miner” thing was a big fat ruse. When I get there, Azlan DeVega calls down and says, “That’s for stealin’ my cut of the Vault, DeLeon!” Then he hucks a grenade, collapsin’ the tunnel I was in. When you’re famous, there’s always some asshole who’ll try to kill ya for money. It took me awhile, but eventually I found my way to the surface. Azlan was at the bar, celebrating my death. I nabbed his keys when he wasn’t lookin’ and stole the putz’s ship! Ha!”

Read the Contract

“For awhile after I found the Vault, Atlas kept me on retainer, which is a fancy corporate word that means “we’ll pay ya to sit around and do bupkis”. My contract had something called a non-compete clause, which I didn’t read, ‘cause who reads contracts anyway? Big mistake.”

Birth of the Lance

“Atlas, they lied to me. Bastards said that they were gonna use the Vault tech to make Promethea a paradise. But all they did was quadruple their standing army and added a new feather in their cap, the Crimson Lance. Those bastards bled the people dry and worked ‘em to the bone. After a while, I said to myself, “Screw Atlas. I gotta get outta here!””

Vault Magic

“I looked all over Promethea, searching for another Vault. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t recreate the magic of that first Vault. Sometimes in life, you just don’t know when you’ve reached your peak, but I started to wonder whether there WERE other Vaults out there.”

Promethea, Fallen

“Wish I could say finding that Vault did some good for the people of Promethea, but that ain’t true. At first, it sure seemed like it, though. Atlas started building subways and planetary tracks. But when they didn’t find another Vault, the corporation stopped investing in the planet, and Promethea became a craphole again. Be careful who you work for—corporations, they’re like assholes. They ain’t any prettier from the inside. And, if you stay near one long enough, they’re gonna crap all over you.”

What’s in a Name

“Atlas, they offered to name this station after me, but I told ‘em to name it after Azlan DeVega, ‘cause I’m no dummy. Who wants their name attached to something people are gonna piss and crap all over? So then, they tell me they’re gonna name the whole city after me to attract investors. Baloney, I say. If you wanna attract investors, name it “Meridian”. Then everyone will think it’s got crap tons of Eridian ruins. Dumb bastards did it, too! Names are like stories. They can be dangerous in the wrong hands.”

First Vault Hunter

“After I found that first Vault, Atlas sent me into every nook and cranny on Promethea, but the truth is, I never found another one. Pretty soon, Atlas started accusing me of holding out on them. But Typhon’s honor, there ain’t no more Vaults on Promethea. Good thing, too. You release a monster in a city, you better have another one to fight it! Saw that in an old documentary from before the expansion. What a flick!”

One Shot

“Waterfalls! By far, my favorite part of Eden-6. One time, I went skinny-dipping in that waterfall with Monty Jakobs, his wife Margaret, and some of their friends. Well, next thing we knew, some jabbers stole our clothes! So we started walkin’ back to town naked, sharing a flask of bogwine and howlin’ at the moon. All of a sudden, a saurian steps in our path, but old Monty shoots him dead in the eye. “Oh boy,” I say. “What a shot! But I guess if it took more than one shot, you weren’t using a Jakobs!” And he says, “Now that’s a fine slogan. Mind if I use that?””

Wood!

“Wood! That’s why the Jakobs Corporation settled on Eden-6. That wood kept ‘em goin’ for three hundred years. Ancient for a corporation, ya know! Then again, Jakobs stayed outta the whole big war, kept to themselves. My first day on Eden-6, I was admiring those rail lines when some teenager says, “You the Vault Hunter?” I say, “I might be. Who are you, bub?” He smiles. “Wainwright Jakobs. My daddy’s the one hired you to find our Vault. You don’t wanna disappoint him—trust me.””

Azlan in Chains

“Not long after I landed, I get an ECHO from Azlan DeVega. His one ECHO from prison. Well, he asks me to visit, and to bring him a hock of Vercuvian ham for old times sake. He’d been booked for “conspiracy to steal a Vault”! Last time I saw old Azlan was on that Skywell when he tried to kill me. But I’d stolen the guy’s ship, so I figured we were even. Anywho, I went to pay ol’ Azlan a visit.”

Azlan’s Escape

“So Azlan makes his escape through the sewer, and I almost catch the bastard! Then he turns into a dead end, this pipe with a big waterfall. “End of the line, Azlan,” I say. “DeLeon, you know what your problem is?” He shouts back. “You’re too nice! Thanks for the ham!” Then, he jumps into a lake of poop water! Well, I let him go. Life’s too short to hold a grudge, ya know? Plus, I ain’t no fan of poop water. Though it does exfoliate the skin.”

“Paradise”

“I always heard Eden-6 is part of the “paradise system”. Well, after Promethea, I came here for a Vault hunting gig. Montgomery Jakobs himself hired me! I figured a change of scenery would do me good. Who wouldn’t want a little paradise? Ha! I ended up trading city stank for swamp ass. Eden-6 is a lot of things, but it ain’t no paradise, that’s for sure.”

I’ll Drink to That!

“I had some good times in this little hamlet, drinkin’ with Monty and his wife Margaret. Anywho, we have a few drinks, then I say, “Monty, why’d ya make me schlep all the way out here?” He leans in and says, “Well, I saw what happened to Promethea when you found that Vault, and I figure, if there’s a Vault here, I wanna know about it so I can keep gutless SOBs like you outta here.” The table, it goes real quiet, and then I say, “I’ll drink to that!””

Try a Shotgun

“As I’m headin’ to the Estate one day, I hear someone shooting and cursing. So I go around the corner and find his boy Wainwright, pistol in hand, trying to shoot cans off a fence. I ain’t no gunslinger, but the kid, he was a terrible shot! Squinting and licking his lips and cursing and saying he’d never be a Jakobs. Then I figure out why. Kid’s blind in one eye! So I come up to him and say, “Hey kid—try a shotgun.””